Fear, when fueled by grief, is a powerful emotion. That fear can turn a manageable case of self-doubt into a crippling disease that causes a complete shutdown. That shutdown is a part of the human experience. But for a communicator trying to find a voice and discover a true self, it is a fear and shutdown that can be the precursor to near madness.
I’m sure there is a lesson to be learned in here somewhere. As I’ve struggled to determine what kind of voice that I want to have, my external voice of reason was taken. That voice had two sides. My grandfather has always been and will always be my rock. He was a preacher of knowledge and a life-long teacher. He instilled in everyone he knew that education was the salvation- the power to lift any person from their environment to a higher place. It was his voice that motivated me to begin this educational journey. That voice was silenced by throat cancer more than two weeks ago. Immediately following his departure from this earthly world, my already weakened voice of reason took on a different and difficult tone. It was easy to ignore my grandmother’s escalating dementia as she watched her life partner lose a long fought battle with an ugly disease. But when that spotlight found her as the new subject, there was no place for anyone to hide. There is no gratification in taking on the responsibility of making decisions for the people that have been the authority and voice of reason since the beginning of your very existence. Fear fueled by grief driving self-doubt. The mind shuts down. For the last two weeks, I’ve been sitting in front of a blank screen waiting for something to happen.
I will start over in order to find success beyond the grief and fear. I owe it to my voices.
I can say that I have learned that writing is hard. I have never doubted that statement, but now it has new meaning. This exercise has been a reminder of the fundamentals that I knew but had forgotten. The truer struggle has been (and I guess will always be) defining what I should do with it. I have no focus because I’ve never been challenged to find one. Everything I do is a hodge-podge of anything at any moment with just enough information to sound intelligent for two minutes. I have learned that while a 2-minute drill as an end result is fine, the entire game of research, focus, and intent is more important. I have learned that good writing is timeless no matter the stage. I have learned that as the genre gets smaller, the focus and intent has to become sharper. I don’t like to Tweet and probably never will.
One question that I have that I don’t think I found an answer to is if there is any difference between interactive writing and “traditional” writing. In my workplace, the rule of thumb has been that writing news stories as web copy is different than writing newspaper copy, or radio/TV copy. Radio/TV copy I understand because the sound bite or video footage from a source is the story. The writing around it is glue to make it stick together. But, does written news on the web differ from written news on paper? Or is bad lazy writing being glorified in the name of a new genre? Those are questions I will continue to strive to answer.